an idiot in london


Wednesday, 10th January.

Cam came round my place, and we were sitting around doing pretty close to nothing, and I said "Palace are playing Liverpool tonight, wanna go to the pub and watch the game?" Well Cam was out the door before I had even finished the sentence.

"We won't go to the Mitre," I said, "it's a shocker. We'll go to the Salisbury, it's just round the corner."

"Nice pub," Cam observed once we were inside, "shame it's full of toffs." He was right: it was wall-to-wall Fulham boys and girls. We stood out like sore thumbs. Amongst the round-shouldered girls with droopy breasts and the fellas wearing Fulham-issue shirts and trousers, two six-foot-plus Australians looked distinctly out of place. We positioned ourselves underneath one of the tv screens.

We were the only people in the place watching the game. "Even in another pub, where nobody was interested in the game, you'd at least see the blokes keeping one eye on the score," commented Cam, "all I can see in here are people 'air-kissing'!" We cacked ourselves as at that precise moment a bottle blonde air-kissed a Fulham boy right in front of us.

You can pick the real residents of Fulham. They're the people that stayed in Fulham at Christmas instead of going home to mummy and daddy in Berkshire or Canterbury or wherever.

Our attention returned to the game. Crystal Palace scored a goal. "YES!" we chorused (cheering for the underdog, it's an Australian thing). But we were the only people in the pub who noticed! I looked around, and the remainder of the patrons of the pub were talking in their loud posh accents, laughing gaily (or should that be gaily laughing? answers to: and generally ignoring the First Leg of the Semi-Final of the Worthington Cup.

"I've never seen so many toffs before!" Cam said, shaking his head in disbelief.
"You should go to the Sloane Pony sometime," I replied.

Crystal Palace scored their second goal, and we had another teeny-tiny two-man celebration. One of the Fulham girls near us turned to the Fulham boy next to her and asked what was going on. "Oh, Crystal Palace are two-nil up against Liverpool," he said knowingly, reading the score off the tv. We laughed out loud at him.

Back at home, I was watching a little bit of telly, and Emily came home. We exchanged minor chit-chat, and I mentioned that I had been to the Salisbury Inn or Tavern or whatever it's called. "Oh, it's really nice there," enthused Fulham girl Emily.
"Oh, yeah," I said, stifling the urge to mention that it's ruined by all the toffs that fill the place.

One final comment: every time I go past the Salisbury there is someone outside (either a Fulham boy or a Fulham girl) talking on their mobile phone.