an idiot in london

June 2001

Monday, 25th June 2001.
Here to help

I often receive pleas for help from visitors to And it's always my great pleasure to help these poor unfortunates.

So, when I checked my email today, I wasn't surprised to find another call from the depths of despair from a young lady called Karyn. I read this email with tears welling in my eyes, and my heart went out to this young Melburnian. I thought to myself (and anyone else in the nearby vicinity), I am but one man, how can I help Karyn? As the saltwater dripped from my cheeks onto my keyboard, I thought: I know, I'll enlist the help of the dedicated readers of

How can I help? I hear you ask. Well, have a read of Karyn's email first:

From: Karyn@an.address.which.will.bounce.for.some.reason

Ian you are a complete wank. You need to get a life and grow some bollocks. You are also very lonely by the looks of it, would you like a friend. Are you gay??

I detect three cries for help in the one email here.
1 - Grammar and punctuation. But this isn't the biggest problem.
2 - Desire to receive copious amounts of email. Why else would she send an email to someone she doesn't know? She could've just done the sensible thing and simply never returned to No, she wants to open a dialogue with someone, anyone. "You are also very lonely by the looks of it..." - she's hoping to find a kindred spirit. "...would you like a friend" - a more explicit cry for companionship you will never find.
3 - Rampant homophobia. Leave the homophobia to us Tasmanians sweetheart.

(She could also be a Collingwood supporter, but I can't be sure of that.)

Now, gentle readers, I can sense your collective desire to help. The grammar and punctuation we can let slide, because we can all make syntax and spelling errors when we're upset or in an emotional state. The homophobia: we can either engage in a programme of education, or sign her up for electro-shock therapy. But I think that that extends beyond the remit of

Desire to receive copious amounts of email. I'm sure we can help her out there.

But remember, she's in a delicate state. Don't put everything in the first email. Don't overwhelm her. Coax her out of her shell slowly. She's a shy little petal, who needs to be handled with care.

I thank you all for your help, and I'm sure that Karyn will thank you all as well, in her own inimitable fashion. If one, just one person takes the time to email Karyn, then perhaps we can make a difference.


(PS: Carlton - YEEEEEEES!)