I might be out of the office, but I won't let that stop me from doing my duty and bringing you an ill-informed look at the world of football. I'm on a break out here in cosmopolitan Hawthorn, so here I am typing up another footy preview.
I'll try not to bag that bunch from Arden St this week - I don't want to upset any members of staff who might be pregnant.
Kardinia Park, pardon me, Shell Stadium is the place to be. The Cats have lost their last five games. Win five, lose five. It has a lovely symmetry about it, which will please the aesthetically-minded Geelong supporters. Add to this the fact that Geelong have a debt that would please any high-flying 80s entrepreneur. Happy times down Geelong way. Dropped from the Cats side is Tristan Lynch. Is he a footballer or a character from Brideshead Revisited? He'll miss out on playing alongside a bloke called Whiskas.
There was a time when Anthony Franchina was best known for a piece of graffiti about him outside Gate 6 at Optus Oval. These days it's a blow to the side when he gets injured. Replacing him is Michael Sexton who apparently is a pretty handy player. Last year, before the corresponding fixture, Michael Voss boasted that Brisbane would win and end David Parkin's stay at Royal Parade. Instead the Blues stuffed 'em royally, breaking an 8-game losing streak and sending the Carlton Members into rapture. Last week the Blues knocked off the dull Weagles (result was never in doubt really) while the Lions lost in Sunny Brisbane.
Tony Lockett, his kit bag and the Sydney Swans travel to Waverley to play the Sainters. Andrew Dunkley is out of the Swans line-up. Bad news for Sydney, not beause they've lost a quality defender, but because he used to play for North Launceston. There's only one place colder and more desolate than Waverley Park, and that's York Park in Launceston's northern suburbs. It will be interesting to see if Paul Kelly and Robert Harvey line up against each other - worth a trip out Glen Waverley way, some might say.
Port Adelaide vs Richmond on Saturday night. Pulse check - I think I'm comatose.
Fremantle have worked out how to kick goals (pigskin through the uprights, nice 'n' simple) and Adelaide have remembered how to be hopeless. And not before time. Carna Dockers!
Doggies host Hawthorn at Optus Oval on Sunday. The Bulldogs will miss Tony Liberatore's unmatched interpersonal skills. There's a bloke called Contessa named on the Bulldogs' forward line - wasn't he in Mental As Anything?
Kangas will slug it out with the Masters Of Boredom, West Coast. No-one will turn up to this match - it's being played at the SCG. Carey and Jakovich, two of the great minds of the late 20th Century, will fight it out on the North centre-half-forward line.
Finally, Collingwood and Melbourne play at the MCG on Sunday. Neitz is back for the Demons. Poor old Mal Michael.
Tips close at 6pm. Those who are owing money are politely reminded to cough up or we send in the heavies.